I had an end of life doula/hospice massage client recently who was very open in talking about her acceptance with her death. We became close during her final days and she often shared what she was experiencing throughout her end-of-life process with me upon each visit. We met once per week and upon every meeting, she seemed to have a new realization about something that was changing within her. Sometimes it was physical. Other times, it was an emotional, mental or even a spiritual change.
On one of our final visits, she talked about separating herself from various groups of people in her life. These were people that had been her friends or supporters for many years. As she started to approach death she found it difficult to know just how and when to let these people go, knowing that she couldn’t take them with her. Consciously she knew she had to let go of them but subconsciously she was hanging on. She explained that she was struggling with some resentment and anger towards some of her relationships that she had in her past. She was well aware she needed to let these feelings go too. I listened to her speak about how this process felt for her and it gave me much insight as to what this would be like when it is my journey one day.
She made it clear to me that she did not want people standing around her bedside watching her die, not even her own family. She struggled internally with how to tell friends of hers that she may not want them to be around anymore. She didn’t even necessarily want them praying for her anymore. She was afraid of offending them. And she would nervously giggle and smile because although she logically understood that eventually, she would have to completely withdrawal herself from them and everyone when she died, she still struggled with that reality that inside.
I shared with her that it’s perfectly natural for some relationships to fall away when they no longer serve us. This doesn’t have to be a negative disassociation from someone and it doesn’t have to be leaving on bad terms with anyone. There’s nothing wrong with expressing gratitude for people who show up in our lives for a certain time. Often times, those people serve a great purpose for a time, and then we let them go when the time is right. Loss of relationships is something that is very common and real in our society. It happens to us multiple times in a lifetime but we hardly regard it as a death. It became apparent that this was a form of grieving another type of death in her life.
As we spoke I suggested that she place a small sign on her door asking visitors to respect that she only wanted immediate family and medical providers to enter her space. I suggested that she tell the people in her life that she would like present so that they would know who they were. This way, no one would be confused about who was invited to be present during her last days. She smiled and said “that is a great idea! And it will save me from having a lot of awkward conversations!”
As prepared as she was to die I feel like this issue could have held her back from letting go in her final days. It is very understandable how hard it is to let go of the world around you that you’ve known your whole life. You’re leaving your entire world behind for something completely unknown. In my client’s final days, I believe that she needed to really understand and process this by herself as this was her journey alone. I feel so honored to have been invited to be a part of that conversation with her and it taught me so much.
She expressed her gratitude for walking her through this journey through my gentle touch and these intimate conversations very openly without judgment and without trying to sway or direct her in any specific way. Before I left that day, we hugged and I knew it could be our last. We never clung too tightly to one another. We knew exactly when to let go and say goodbye.
I can’t say that my service to you or your loved one will mirror this client’s journey. Everyone’s death journey is as unique as they are. My honor and duty is to guide my client’s in a way that honors their life and respects their journey to its end.
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